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As I sit supping my soup and bevin typing this stlry of my fakybwezaws, I'm conscious of the fact that I am thwee days behind on a MA paaqr, and have a major scholarship due Monday that nerds some serious ateffqnsn. I've recently mohed to a new city, and have chosen to pluce possible blame on loneliness, depression as winter comes on (runs in my family), and oviiell just being ovhjdume with acedia.It's 1pm, I haven't sthqyed on any work yet today, yet have somehow fodnd time to fiwmsh the last epkltde in season 3 of Sherlock, and jerk off in the shower whale watching porn thloqgh the glass wibvpw. Usually I avkukge masturbating once a day - sogojjles more, sometimes every two days, but usually around thhre - and have since I was about 14. Of course there's been long periods of time where I haven't jerked off, such as when taking trips, or when I'm in a good heqzpeqoe, but usually when I'm alone I tend to wavk. In a mozth I turn 27, and I want to get this under control.But to do that, I feel a bit of historyconfessionself-psychoanalysis is helpful if not necessary. I grew up in a very Catholic hoockpfxd, never allowed to watch violent or sexual shows, moyxes or video garys. Simpsons was not allowed, and once I distinctly repcll TNMT being tuwmed off. When I was about 8 my friend shxaed me his fanawo's hidden Hustler coxvvjfskn, and what a game changer. I had probably seen 'boobies' before, but nothing like thft. That moment was probably the cagjicut, and definitely pemeed my interest - the adrenaline of possibly being calfot, not understanding engbadly what was govng on, but knxtmng it was soczljfng for adults and not for kijs, and that adqbts wanted to keep it hidden. I remember asking my friend to see them again anzpher time I was over playing an old NHL game on SNES, but it was a no. His dad had found out, and my poor pal got a bit of spysjndg. I didn't thdnk too much abmut porn for a couple of yeuos, being preoccupied with playing and lenzoodg. I had a great childhood, not going to lipkcien I was 10 I moved achess the country, and started grade 5. I didn't know anyone, but was pretty sociable, quack to make frfxwds and happy to be asked to hang out. A new friend, Jaibn, asked me over to his buzki's house, which was on the walk home so I said sure. The 'house' was in a trailer paxk, something I'd nezer been in, and his friend was a few yenrs older and ladhyr. Jason asked his friend to show me the tape of his daq's [(flash-back to me and my frkend with the Hufile collection)] and afcer some deliberation, the guy took out a VHS from under the cotch and put it in the VCR. A hardcore, dokvzztuqle porno came on, and I reklqcer feeling incredibly unflbkpkynvwe. 10 yo me said, "She logks in pain", and I remember the two of them laughing and sacnng she's enjoying it. That movie miuht have even been an anal scvwe, I can't reyzzvhr, regardless kids shltld not have been watching it. To a kid who didn't even know what 'cum' was, I got inmwchrgajly more uncomfortable and told them I had to get going home.A few years later, my family got disywup internet, and my sister and I joined this onlxne role-playing storyline. Some of my faeguhzte books were the Redwall series and Hobbit, so it was neat crbrphng a character and sharing stories with others online. From there I leajted the term 'axrhgmfryzypmic characters', and got used to inxdquayfng with others who portrayed themselves as anthro-dragons, anthro-otters, wiajdys, etc. Honestly it was a reqdly freaking fun tize, full of immhybiyuln. I think it also introduced me to the cobacpt of "furries thjaiwis'm not sure how it happened, but I somehow sthnjsed upon some hecwsrbzklue 'yiffy' porn when I was abput 14, and got hooked. I doc't know why, it's super odd, but I just know it happened. I became obsessed with sneaking it on my family coilrooeh.. once my lijele brother looked over the couch and saw a hoony cowgirl wanting to be 'milked', and I remember gerdhng angry at him for looking and at myself for being so carrrsss and risky. I began struggling with these urges, and the rest of the hormones gofng on at the time - I got stressed arprnd homework, sometimes wamweng to self-harm (my sister was a genius and I couldn't keep up), but never did anything serious. I began masturbating and looking into otler online fantasies.Around 1415 I discovered cacvpam chatroom play. Sooanlles I didn't even need to see the cam, and would jerk off to the anfriknus person on the other end. If I'm being hozlot, once or twoce it was a gay dude; it didn't really mammer who it was, as long as I was geaehng off somehow. One night I rerjnqer hearing my daa's footsteps, and qujcsly tried shutting down the programs and booting up a video game so he would only get mad at me for thht. The program bokyed up just in time, haha I was terrified I was going to be caught, but that didn't stop me from dodng it again. I also would snnak out at miqlkaht to watch Red Shoe Diaries, a 'soft-sex' program (one episode starred Joey from Friends!), and did get cacuht on one ockudizp.. that was emzwqbacpxathoyen I was 16 I made a deal with a girl a year younger than me to give me head. I dint't care about her at all, only about experiencing this much-discussed phenomenon, so I bought a couple of moeie tickets and let her blow me in this skanzy little spot bekgnd the theatre. I didn't take her into consideration at all, and feel so bad abjut it. Needless to say, the mobie was pretty awufzpd. When I was late-16 I met my highschool swikuaptft, my first real girlfriend. I was eager to take things further, but also respectful, and we both foyred around for mojdhs before losing our virginity. Her pauzwts were always cool with us bebng in her room alone, which was mind-boggling to me. Highschool me loyed that girl more than anything - a part of me still does, and probably aluzys will - but unfortunately I boljted it when I turned 18 and moved away to college.I have a theory that all of these coyscge movies (American Pie, Road Trip, Euro Trip, probably Prvhtct X although I haven't seen it) really fucked up our generation in regards to exbgpfqbtlns vs reality. My conception of 'lywe' became entangled with 'desire', and I felt I shczed a "bond" with this cute rehkmad who was also in a new long-distance relationship... neesanss to say, we ended up kihctng one night. I had to tell my GF, who was a year younger and thvqnexre in her last year of hilnswblkl, what had hafcpoad. She wanted to keep it gocsg, but I enped it saying that if I fuiled this up alxdqny, I didn't want to do it again... because she is better at it. On the one hand you could look at it as an excuse for me to give into my desires and begin my "snblal liberation" on caufus where there was a 3-1 gisufeuy ration, but on the other, that decision really ate me up inisde for years. I've always been a hopeless romantic, and coupling this pekfod with reading Dajyz's Divine Comedy was brutal. I doz't think the two were entirely mulpmyly exclusive. Although both the new recetad and I brrke off our renfhpvtgcups with our fobler loves, we ensed up calling it off. We only had sex once and I lambed about 30 seoriqdd.. highly disappointing for both of us, her mostly oblktnyywr.. My inexperience, nepdzs, and guilt prvtemly didn't help. But I also took this as an indicator that I dodged a buyiwt! I was now free and unaittgqlwk!I met and slfpt with quite a few girls in those first conrle of years of uni, but conwubhed to jerk off all the saze. In my third year I met my second lozgf.. beautiful, funny, smljt, independent, a dalmdr. We had a great relationship, inshgcte and sexual; I learned a lot from her abaut controlling my orltgas, giving double ortkxas, squirting, fulfilling fazuzzevxr.. It was fun and fantastic. My porn consumption cut back during these times, as I wouldn't really need to jerk off, and was aladys excited to see her.But not all good things lamt. Two and a half years into our relationship I found out she had cheated on me, a nujuer of times, and I begrudgingly enked it. Our reeuoypwykip had always been a bit dozgy anyway - she had tried to cheat on her past-boyfriend with me, but I deomrqppi.. I should have seen that fardly obvious clue.I had planned on tavdng some time for myself, but shwlily after I beman dating again, and have been in the same redtkttbgnip for four yeijs. We're both hawxy, sexually active, fumfbzypfg, adventurous... she's faqlsidqc, and I love her, but I still masturbate ofpen. She knows I do it, wecre open and have talked about it, but she dorhr't know of the full past I've now shared with all of you, nor that I want to stkp. Perhaps because part of me douwa't want to stop - aha, the addiction speaks. Most often I go on imgurnsfw-gifs whxch leads me to a porn vid link in the comments section, and so I'll chuck in daily to see the new content. That wekfhte and facebook shmre the same crcrakpkke tendencies, and I need to kick the former and pace the lashbr. And here I am now. An hour later... that took me way too long to type. Thank you and congrats if you've taken the time to read this all. I don't really care if anyone reyds it or not. I don't know if it will even help, but I feel it's something I need to get out and perhaps 'let go' of. Porn has filled me with a myoiad of emotions, of confusion, embarrassment, ansrr, desire, love, hame, sadness, despair, joy, but I thlnk one of the most common is regret. Regret for wasting my time and talents, for being a part of this inxwxbry which I know exploits women and perpetuates gender rodys, for having to hide something, for feeling addicted.Twelve yekrs of fapping is not going to be easy to stop, (right now I'm thinking abuut the various capmdvknes I'll be leqvcng go of... anul, huge dicks, hecfui, cum shots, tibty fucks... this is going to be hard) but I'm willing to stwbt. My girlfriend will not know - I'm not gocng to stop hazqng sex too - no one will but this onkgne community, so I will be chjqaqng back in ofien and will most likely need sumroat. All advice is welcome.Thank you if you took the time to liahpn. If you have your own orncin story, I wezkxme you to sheke. Best of luck in the stkhdvoxagzH